Some More of The Journey : Self Discovery

We left the last blog post, in the nowish part of life. Where I am day by day working towards uncovering, rediscovering and connecting with who I am outside of who I’ve been conditioned to be.

Some people call it a spiritual journey. Using all the tools to see within and beyond. For me, its definitely rooted in spiritual practices but I usually refer to it as SELF DISCOVERY. Not because I am trying to hide what it is, but I have found I can share more deeply and openly when I don’t lead with the word spiritual. It tends to result in people forming opinions and closing their minds before they’ve heard a word.

I grew up religious. Apart of a Mormon family. Basically Christian with an extra book, that included extra stories of jesus and the people who lived in America during those times. We as a family had some pretty rigid rules, but the ultimate goal was always to be a good person. I never questioned whether these practices were for me. I accepted them at face value. Which is ok. No hate or bad feelings. But as an adult some of these standards became the root cause for a lot of the negativity I began to struggle with. Who I was, was not in alignment with what I was being asked to do. Guilt and shame felt like the major motivators to keep me in line. Something I still struggle with, but am working through.

This Self Discovery, began when I decided ok, if this is not making me feel uplifted, loved, and connected what changes do I need to make. It is all well and good to blame anything in our lives for leaving us feeling less than. Awareness of that is the first step, but after that acknowledgement it is choosing to take action.

I knew the things that made me feel like me. I knew the environments where I felt the exchange of love. But I didn’t know how to cultivate these feelings and experiences on a daily basis. Where do you even begin right?

For me, it began with buying my first tarot deck. It was The Wild Unknown. The images, the colors, the feelings I felt just looking at them on my screen I knew I needed this in my life. I had no clue beyond the artistic appeal. I started just pulling for myself, reading the guide book and sitting with the words. It opened the door to this spiritual world that was already inside of me. I didn’t ask questions. Just shuffle and flip over the top card. I could feel the feelings the cards depicted. I could feel the messages throughout my day. I kept this part of me hidden. Just sharing with my husband. It felt so out there for me at the time. Who was I to think I could learn things about myself by flipping over these beautiful cards? I felt if I shared this aspect of me, I would be immediately judged. Dismissed as a crazy lady grasping at straws to get her messy life together. It was a private personal practice. Giving me glimmers of what else I could be.

It was at the time of my Pa’s funeral, I was staying with my nana and My cousin told us she does tarot readings full time for work. She also posts on youtube where she offers general readings for at no charge. I was like oh damn, no way. She then gave my mum a reading. My mum is not into the cards as she will always remind me, but she was open. I watched her have an emotional response from the words my cousin shared with her. I watched as these parts of her struggle she’d tried to bury were brought to the surface. A reminder of the work she has done, and a message to let go. To me, that was powerful and life changing. Two women connecting deeply. Doing the deep internal work we often hide from, or don’t what others to know we have to do. I didn’t know that these cards could bring people together like this. In this moment, I knew I wanted to connect with others in this way and offer them the same guidance I was able to give myself.

This exchange took me from a place where I felt I had to hide to being shown so clearly that who I am in any given moment is enough. That was the example my cousin gave me. Whether she knew it or not it didn’t matter. She was being true to herself and that was enough. Hell, I don’t think I even realized that until I started typing this the profound impact that had. Once I made the decision to become more open in my practices with others,  my self discovery journey took off. It was like I had finally given myself the full permission to uncover all aspects of what make me, me.

Cue the reading! I had a thirst for knowledge that could not be quenched. A desire for knowledge about myself and this world around me. Taking off the religious blinders to things that I probably would have poo pooed earlier in life. Astrology, Moon Cycles, Manifestation, Shadow Work. How had I lived for so long and not known much about anything. If you are starting along a journey of rediscovering who you are, don’t let yourself get discouraged or feel overwhelmed. There is so much to learn. Follow your gut. Let it guide you to what lights you up.

Here is a couple of what I think are MUST reads:

  • How To Be A Badass by Jen Sincero
  • Witch: Unleashed, Untamed, Unapologetic by Lisa Lister
  • Lunar Abundance: Cultivating Joy, Peace, and Purpose
  • Light Is the New Black by Rebecca Campbell
  • UnF*ck Yourself Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life By Gary John Bishop

I spend time each day learning something. Whether via my current book I’m reading. Maybe someone I follow on insta or by listening to a podcast. Choosing to open my mind and allowing my beliefs to questioned. Somethings I read, and I’m like nope not for me. Others send my down a rabbit hole. An endless google search attempting to become as knowledgeable as possible as quick as possible.

It is a practice. A choice daily. To let the bullshit get you down. Or to feel the feelings and then proceed. A huge part of WHY I continue to find what works for me is because I’ve lived a life where I felt less than and out of control for so long. And there are hard days. But piece by piece as I become more whole and deconstruct the walls around me I’ve found that life can be magic.  

If you are looking for change in your life it starts with you. This isn’t a fun and easy thing to decide to do the self healing. Somedays you will feel like oh yeah cool, cool, cool I got this. I’m shedding my layers. Life is getting brighter. And other days you’ll need to blanket burrito yourself when you find a difficult emotion you buried. But holy hell it is worth it.

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